Life. It [Continues]

I was whacked three times on the arm while sitting on the bench swing in the backyard.
The little blonde looks to me and says, "Now turn into a seven year old."
"You are now seven."
Whack. Whack. Whack.

I look down my shoulder and give her cocky grin. "Riley. I don't think it worked."

She laughs. I laugh. I feel better.
At least my sister isn't completely crushed. She was only kidding.

But I think she has a point. Inherently, she wishes I could be more of her playmate. I feel bad that I'm not fun and I become sulky and lame and quiet.
And it's not just me being miserable. Although I admit much of it has to do with laziness and the strong unwillingness I have towards changing into a bathing suit, wading precariously into cold pool water, and pretending amusement at diving for coins and shuttling around a sunscreen lathered younger sister who wants nothing more out of pool time than to cling to my arms and have me dive to the bottom and play pointless color guessing games so she has an excuse to do backflips in pool water.

A lot more of it comes from the off-switch.
My off-switch.
The bubble buster.
My low-key.
The burned out.
My detachment.
My dull.

So sorry Riley. My ticker, my mojo, my personality has been stuck unceremoniously in the off position for the past two days. Your magic wand is fruitless to my electrical circuiting. I'm rusty. Down. Sunken. And my grunts and my groans are the pits and spits of a jammed copper switch. It's stuck. But I'm trying to push back. Trust me. I am. I really am. Can you not imagine my inner elves squinting, working and leaning their tiny little bodies against the switch to get it over. Farting and shoving, sweating and plighting in a constant push towards light.
You see? I'm trying here. I want excitement. I want the switch back on.

Because days when it's on, I feel vibrant and energetic and passionate and all things alive.
Those times, I can be seven years old in the backyard and run around and be entertaining.
But to turn that on, I really have to concentrate and focus.
...Or pray my elves will come through.

Today. Wasn't happening today.
And I don't like it.

It's like I'm just going through the day.
But the day isn't going through me.

Which is so against everything I stand for.
So what I'm trying to say is this:

I need to live. I'll resolve to turn my switch to the ON.
I want to be energetic and cool and lively. Why waste time stuck in dirt?

If I've reached any point, it's that I really have to (HAVE TO) stop taking the easy way through every day just being content downloading new music and hacking as many different routes into my iPhone as I can find. That's the switch off.

The switch on....well...when the switch is on, I'll know it.
You'll know it.

The world will know it.